Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Lately has not been good

Ive just been so lost these days. I feel like I have no purpose in life and am going no where. Its like an almost 30's crisis, or something like that. I just dont know what o do with myself. I am watching all my friends buy their first houses and get married and have babies. While I do none of that... not like I could have babies even if I wanted to.
I just feel like, they have some secret to life that I missed out on somewhere along the lines and now im stuck in a shit hole and I cant seem to get out of it. Even though, I feel there is supposed to be sooooo much more to my life and I am supposed to be in such a greater place than I am at. But I got lost along the way and now there is no way out.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Treatment Begins

I met yesterday with the RN who is to begin my treatment sessions. It is on her recomendation that I go into the DBT therapy and group therapy which at the end she did say she would be sending me for, I will continue to meet with her on a bi-weekly basis and DBT will start in September, maybe October.
Which means me being off work  for alot longer than I expected but a necessary part of my recovery at this point and time, for myself and others around me.
She went over alot of my diagnosis of BPD and wanted to make sure that I understood it. Which, to a degree I do and it keeps making more and more sense as I get further and further into talking to people about it.
Mostly it was an hour and a half of us discussing what my life was like growing up and how my childhood and teenage years were, piecing together from information she already had and trying to add it all up. It wasnt really that easy of a task for me since the majority of my life prior to me turning 20 I have repressed and made effort to forget the most of it
It was new for me. even though we were discussing my life it was like opening my eyes for the first time about alot of things. Trying to address things with a new understanding of being Boarderline Personality Disorder is totally different from looking at tit from a major depressive disorder point of view, even a bi polar point of view.
I have  been fighting for so long to get proper diagnosis, and not expecting BPD that I didnt stop to think that I may be more than bi polar, I may be something else, and certain episodes in my life may suddenly fit because of this new knowledge I have.
I am now in the process of reading and educating myself on what exactly Boarderline Personality Disorder is, and how its going to affect ,e and my othr diagnosis. IS this going to change anything or will it change everything?
Mostly, I just want to know what I am dealing with and how to handle it. Mostly, I just want to know more about BPD and how its going to change how iI handle life from here on out.


Monday, July 13, 2015

Im no laughing matter

3 times a day I take my handful (and yes i mean handful) of medications. I dont want to. I hate, even DESPISE it, And want nothing more to throw them out the window and say FUCK IT.
Once a week I visit a doctors office, whether it be the psychiatrist, or my GP, and I have another program laid out for me starting next week.. because its so enjoyable to spend so much time with doctors.
Every second, of everyday, I am giving as much effort, my best effort, to make it through the moment that I am living in, because I cant live for any moment other than that due to overwhelming and crippling mental and physical disabilities.
Your asking me to change who I am to become someone you want me to be knowing full well that I can not and will not do that , and all I ask is that you take 1 pill everyday. Yet there it sits on your shelf mocking me and making a joke out of me everyday. If I bring it up, you get mad and tell me to mind my own fucking business.
I can not leave because I have no where to go and I cant pay for myself to go.
I can not leave because I am not yet ready to give up, even though my mind is almost most assuredly made up that we will not make it through this.
I can not leave because I do not know how.
You make me feel like I am this way by  choice. By laughing at me when I have to use the scooters at Walmart of in other stores. So I try to walk even though it feels like I am dying every time I take a step, and we end up being somewhere for an hour longer than we should have been because I am too slow.
You tell me to smile and think that I should just always be happy simply being I am with you, yet you dont seem to understand that it literally exhausts me to smile and continue to smile, especially just because you want me too.
Lately it only seems that we are okay when we are in the middle of a lake in the boat. And even then, you expect me to come home and cook and clean and be a perfect house wife.Which I am not. and NEVER will be. disability or no disability. work or no work. Im not a fucking housewife.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Aunty Karah who?..

Today I had a really hard moment and it hit me profoundly as it usually does in regards to the topic of my family.
 My sister in law is in town with my niece and nephew for a dance competition, and we made plans to meet up at the beach. And I stood beside my 7 year old nephew for a full 5 minutes of him not recognizing me before I finally turned to him and asked where his mom was, without saying who I was.
I know that the other kids don't see me or know who I am because of the  (can i just say super shitty) "parental decisions" made on their behalf and that hurts me just as much as this does, but these 2 kids I don't get to see due to distance and it hurts. IT hurts that my nephew knew dad had brothers but didn't know he had a sister, it hurts that I am the unknown aunty because i moved to another province. And I wonder if they see pictures of me every and have their parents say to them "this is your aunty Karah, you don't see her but she gets to see pictures of you all the time and always sends her love."
I'm not sure how much people know how it hurts me when my own nieces and nephews have no idea who I am and could not recognize me if I was standing right beside them. Or have no idea that they have an Aunty Karah, who loves them more than anything in the whole world and is always sorry that she never gets to see them except in pictures.
I know that I'm the mental patient of the family and that I had to move away because I was causing too many problems for everybody and that it was for all parties involved, the best choice that I could make.. but I dont think people realize just how hard it was for me to make that choice to do what I did. Or they just dont care.
This nephew at 6 months old I fell in love with even though he broke my nose with a simple head butt, and I was able to get out often to see him in the first 2 1/2 years of his life until i moved away, and it always brought me such joy that he always recognized who I was.
Now im finding that this distance between myself and home is growing larger and larger even though the distance is staying the same and I am wondering if it s worth it or not. Worth it to feel this lonely and this full of grief all the time, or just worth it to have your own nieces and nephews ,blood related AND honorary, not recognize you.
I may have brought it upon myself, but it doesnt break my heart any less knowing that.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

self destruction in the form of emotional eating

They tell me now, that emotional eating is considered a Mental Disorder and there is apparently medication for it.......
WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN THE PAST 15 YEARS OF MY LIFE???!
Honestly. Im sure my mother could probably tell you the exact second of the exact day when I started eating to encumber my emotional instability, I on the other hand just know that if I am in the slightest bit of an unhappy mood, do not, and i will not repeat, DO NOT get in between me and my fucking cookies and chips and chocolate and cake and gummies and sour candies and. . . so on and so forth. (Hopefully you've gotten the picture by now)
Not that I have any interest in being labelled with yet another disorder and having another pill added to my already hefty pill case. But really?!
And I mean, that occasional emotional eating binge... not a big deal. Everybody needs to have a day here and there. I know its not pretty to admit, but I have a problem. I have an emotional eating binge fest at least once a day, everyday, every month. Is it just habit for me now, even I dont know.
This is not a new thing in my life, because I can acknowledge that this is something I have done for at LEAST the last 10 years if not more. Is there an app for that?! *haha, sorry. technology humor*
Okay, so I know I know, this is not really a laughing matter. But How else am I supposed to deal with all of this?
I could go into a downward spiral and eat that unopened package of Oreos sitting across from me... but then doesnt that defeat the whole purpose of saying loud and proud and letting my freak flag fly about how I admit it. I have an eating problem... and not an anorexia I dont eat problem, but an I eat WAY TOO MUCH and ignore the unhealthy factor of what I eat and the proportions of consumption.
Because apparently eating a bag of chips to myself and a box of cookies to myself and then going out for candy and ice cream is something one person is NOT supposed to do in the span of an hour.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

lets start this over

There are 2 things I can tell you about myself with absolute certainty.
1- I love my dog.
2- If you ask me what the #1 thing in my life is, the answer is my dog.
After that in no particular order comes a small list of other things that in my eyes will never be as important as my dog.
Nova came to me at a point and time in my life where I was struggling so heavily and trying to hide that struggle that I was not sure about how I was going to continue on. She was supposed to be a gift for my daughter, for us to share, or to replace me if I happened to not be there anymore.
Instead, she became MY dog. She didnt leave my side and still hasnt left my side, and has basically been the only thing keeping me alive for the past 5 years.
Not that people want to hear that. But she has been. For such a small creature she sure gives out an enormous about of unconditional and pure love. She is as loyal as anyone or anything could be and always know when I need her the most.
I do not dress her up in frilly dresses and carry her around in my purse, nor do i believe in a doggy manicure... that shits just weird. But I have no shame in obnoxiously cuddling with her and doggy baby talking with her sometimes because she is in all sense of the word my little princess, and I like her to know that!
If it comes down to it, I will chose my dog over you. So its best not to make it come down to that, because it, for me, is no contest. Nova has never once judged me or turned away from me, she doesnt care that Im 1000 ways fucked up in the head and some days dont get out of bed to do anything but take her pee and feed her. She wont turn her back on me if I decide certain things and she certainly wont give up on me or disown me because she refuses to acknowledge and educate herself on my mental illness.
Nova is better than that.
She is 5 pounds of all bark and no bite.
She is my sweet little princess.
And she will ALWAYS be my #1.