Sunday, July 26, 2015

Treatment Begins

I met yesterday with the RN who is to begin my treatment sessions. It is on her recomendation that I go into the DBT therapy and group therapy which at the end she did say she would be sending me for, I will continue to meet with her on a bi-weekly basis and DBT will start in September, maybe October.
Which means me being off work  for alot longer than I expected but a necessary part of my recovery at this point and time, for myself and others around me.
She went over alot of my diagnosis of BPD and wanted to make sure that I understood it. Which, to a degree I do and it keeps making more and more sense as I get further and further into talking to people about it.
Mostly it was an hour and a half of us discussing what my life was like growing up and how my childhood and teenage years were, piecing together from information she already had and trying to add it all up. It wasnt really that easy of a task for me since the majority of my life prior to me turning 20 I have repressed and made effort to forget the most of it
It was new for me. even though we were discussing my life it was like opening my eyes for the first time about alot of things. Trying to address things with a new understanding of being Boarderline Personality Disorder is totally different from looking at tit from a major depressive disorder point of view, even a bi polar point of view.
I have  been fighting for so long to get proper diagnosis, and not expecting BPD that I didnt stop to think that I may be more than bi polar, I may be something else, and certain episodes in my life may suddenly fit because of this new knowledge I have.
I am now in the process of reading and educating myself on what exactly Boarderline Personality Disorder is, and how its going to affect ,e and my othr diagnosis. IS this going to change anything or will it change everything?
Mostly, I just want to know what I am dealing with and how to handle it. Mostly, I just want to know more about BPD and how its going to change how iI handle life from here on out.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Im no laughing matter

3 times a day I take my handful (and yes i mean handful) of medications. I dont want to. I hate, even DESPISE it, And want nothing more to throw them out the window and say FUCK IT.
Once a week I visit a doctors office, whether it be the psychiatrist, or my GP, and I have another program laid out for me starting next week.. because its so enjoyable to spend so much time with doctors.
Every second, of everyday, I am giving as much effort, my best effort, to make it through the moment that I am living in, because I cant live for any moment other than that due to overwhelming and crippling mental and physical disabilities.
Your asking me to change who I am to become someone you want me to be knowing full well that I can not and will not do that , and all I ask is that you take 1 pill everyday. Yet there it sits on your shelf mocking me and making a joke out of me everyday. If I bring it up, you get mad and tell me to mind my own fucking business.
I can not leave because I have no where to go and I cant pay for myself to go.
I can not leave because I am not yet ready to give up, even though my mind is almost most assuredly made up that we will not make it through this.
I can not leave because I do not know how.
You make me feel like I am this way by  choice. By laughing at me when I have to use the scooters at Walmart of in other stores. So I try to walk even though it feels like I am dying every time I take a step, and we end up being somewhere for an hour longer than we should have been because I am too slow.
You tell me to smile and think that I should just always be happy simply being I am with you, yet you dont seem to understand that it literally exhausts me to smile and continue to smile, especially just because you want me too.
Lately it only seems that we are okay when we are in the middle of a lake in the boat. And even then, you expect me to come home and cook and clean and be a perfect house wife.Which I am not. and NEVER will be. disability or no disability. work or no work. Im not a fucking housewife.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Aunty Karah who?..

Today I had a really hard moment and it hit me profoundly as it usually does in regards to the topic of my family.
 My sister in law is in town with my niece and nephew for a dance competition, and we made plans to meet up at the beach. And I stood beside my 7 year old nephew for a full 5 minutes of him not recognizing me before I finally turned to him and asked where his mom was, without saying who I was.
I know that the other kids don't see me or know who I am because of the  (can i just say super shitty) "parental decisions" made on their behalf and that hurts me just as much as this does, but these 2 kids I don't get to see due to distance and it hurts. IT hurts that my nephew knew dad had brothers but didn't know he had a sister, it hurts that I am the unknown aunty because i moved to another province. And I wonder if they see pictures of me every and have their parents say to them "this is your aunty Karah, you don't see her but she gets to see pictures of you all the time and always sends her love."
I'm not sure how much people know how it hurts me when my own nieces and nephews have no idea who I am and could not recognize me if I was standing right beside them. Or have no idea that they have an Aunty Karah, who loves them more than anything in the whole world and is always sorry that she never gets to see them except in pictures.
I know that I'm the mental patient of the family and that I had to move away because I was causing too many problems for everybody and that it was for all parties involved, the best choice that I could make.. but I dont think people realize just how hard it was for me to make that choice to do what I did. Or they just dont care.
This nephew at 6 months old I fell in love with even though he broke my nose with a simple head butt, and I was able to get out often to see him in the first 2 1/2 years of his life until i moved away, and it always brought me such joy that he always recognized who I was.
Now im finding that this distance between myself and home is growing larger and larger even though the distance is staying the same and I am wondering if it s worth it or not. Worth it to feel this lonely and this full of grief all the time, or just worth it to have your own nieces and nephews ,blood related AND honorary, not recognize you.
I may have brought it upon myself, but it doesnt break my heart any less knowing that.